Post your ex on the net – bedroom skills ratings and all!

Ooo… The devil is sitting on my shoulder again today.

Exso.com lets you post a picture of your ex, and then give him a rating out of 10 on looks, intelligence, humor, kindness and bedroom skills for all the world to see! You can send him a bitchy e-card, while you do a search to see if your ex has scorned any other women...

Go spite your ex!

Lots of fun, with great healing powers. Combine this with the voodoo doll – and you’re set!

PS. I decided not to put The Turd up on the site. They say you have to be truthful when giving the ratings. Turdman was great in bed (probably the only thing I miss about him), so I would have to give him a 9 for bedroom skills – and he would probably see that as a compliment and use it to score with other women.

I’m definitely not doing him any favors, thank you!

Bye-bye pretend lover – aloha Virtual Boyfriend!

I love the way they sell this insane Tamagotchi-style product – a “pocket-sized pretend partner to be proud of that will perfect your relationship skills” The idea is to keep up to 9 different cyber partners happy by taking them out, complimenting them, buying them gifts and doing naughty things with them.

Erm….naughty things??

I really hope there’s no manual with full color pictures or descriptions…

Alternatively, if you don't like your date you can attempt to get dumped by insulting them and giving crappy presents. Just like real life. Alternatively you can press reset and try your luck with someone else.

Which is nothing like real life.

Aaaah… Love on a keyring – who knew??

Get your own!

Nobody puts Lady in the corner. It's Dirty Dancing!

I decided to take some steps to learning how to dance properly.

No, I’m not talking about the jump-on-the-bar-counter-after-too-many-margueritas type dancing. (we’re all astonishingly good dancers once on that barcounter – at least you think so until the next morning!).

I’m talking about proper dancing like the Salsa or Merengue – like Baby learned to do in record time with a (then) sexy Patrick Swayze in Dirty Dancing.

If Baby can do it, so can I!

Stumbling block 1: This is an obvious one. I have no partner to dance with. The best I can come up with is a 4-year-old whose favorite pastime is picking her nose and drawing big, fat blobs and calling them “mommy”.

Stumbling block 2: The fact that I’m taking an online tutorial on how to dance. Yes, I know. It boggles the mind. It really doesn’t work so well when you have to run back and forth between your pc and the hallway to try out the steps.

Stumbling block 3: You look and feel like a total loon while you’re counting out loud, trying to remember the steps, suck in your tummy, keep you arms up around your pretend partner and swing your hips seductively.

All-in-all not a very successful exercise. Learning how to dance online is not the best idea.
I think I’ll stick to the bar counter variety. It’s a lot more fun – well, at least until the next morning…

learn to dance online

Voodoo dolls called The Turd

Short on the heels of the inspirational "Dating Tips for Single Parents", I had an as-always unpleasant conversation with my ex, who shall from now on be referred to simply as The Turd.

The Turd still inexplicably thinks that he has a say in my and B's life, and incessently interferes. It's ok for him to cheat, lie, swindle and drink shots of vodka from between the breasts of Russian stripper/prostitutes (I have no hard evidence, but what else could he be doing in the last 2 years of our marriage when he was never at home?).

But heaven forbid I ask him to take his daugther on a night that's not "his night" - then I'M the mother from hell who doesn't love her own flesh and blood...

Speaking of blood, mine's boiling right now, so decided to make use of this nifty online Voodoo doll. It's not quite as satisfactory as the real thing (I imagine), but on the upside - it squeels like a bitch when you stick pins in it and burn it with a candle!

Your very own Voodoo doll

Take that, you old Turd.

Goodbye Bridget Jones panties - hallo frilly nickers?

I've just stumbled upon "Dating Tips for single parents". Supposed to help you back into the scary world of dating - which means no more comforts like tracksuit pants, grey granny nickers and cereal for breakfast AND dinner.
Say hallo to itchy frilly underwear, having to wear make-up day and night and not being able to sleep smack in the middle of the bed.

But I guess every sport has its injuries...

So let's get to the life altering dating tips:

1. You make the rules. Damn straight. I've cleaned too many disgusting poo nappies, wiped luminous green snot and stayed for days without sleep to crap from anybody. According to the Tips, "A single mother can date, seriously or casually. A single mother can be seen out dancing on a Saturday night. A single mother can even have sex!" Amen, I say!

2. Nobody loves a parade. The tips say it's not necessary to introduce your kids to every guy who takes you to a movie. Wait until you're secure in the relationship before you let your kids perceive someone as "Mommy's boyfriend." Good, solid advice, although I have to admit that a screaming kid is a wonderful way to get rid of an annoying date with less-than-honorable intentions.

3. Don't lean too hard too soon. The Tips say: "Resist the temptation to make the new guy a parenting helper right away". At this stage I'm just in it for the sex, I can pick my own kid up from school, thank you!

4. Nothing but the truth. Here, the Tips say that you shouldn't lie and sneak around and try to hide your sexual adventures from your kids. Where are these people from? There's NO need for my little to know what mommy's up to all the time. I'm entitled to My Time too!

5. Have your priorities straight. Keep your hormones in check when making decisions. Maybe it's more important for you to be at the school basketball playoffs than away for the weekend with your beau. Once again - solid advice. But on the other hand:

6. Don't be a martyr. Sometimes a weekend away is more important than a basketball game. This one still needs to be debated...

7. When you're out, be out. Don't talk about your children constantly while on a date. I agree - good wine, good food, adult conversation - for one night be the single, careless sexbomb you used to be.

8. Don't succumb to pressure. Don't turn it into something it's not just because you think it's expected. Do what you feel is right for you at the time.

9. Leave when it's time. Don't stay in it "for the kids". Think about YOU and what's best for you. Change and loss are part of life, things everyone has to deal with. If a particular bond is really strong, perhaps there's a way for that adult and child to maintain a connection.

10. Expect resistance. Your kids will probably not like you spending time with someone else. Acknowledge and accept your kids' feelings. Say, "I love you as much as ever, but sometimes I'm not here when you want me to be. I like to spend time with my friends, just like you do." Don't let your kids control you—or try and force them to like the guy, either.

So with all these wonderful tips there's only one problem....

I still need to find a date!








To read the whole article, click here

Pamela makes a boob of herself (again.)

I didn't know whether to laugh or cry when I had a look at Pamela Anderson's new poker site PamelaPoker.com. (Ok, I did laugh when I saw the logo. It's been designed so the word 'poker' looks like a big pair of boobs!)

It's pure T & A. Packed with half-nude pictures of the madam herself - it's almost guaranteed to be a winner... Not so sure if any women would join, but then - it could be great. With all those breasticles staring players in the face, bloodflow to the brain decreases, causing concentration lapses and general bad play.

It kinda makes we wish I was a poker playin' gal. But at least I know I won't be accosted by fake boobies while I enjoy MY bit of fun - slots, slots and more wonderful slots...

Mmm... on second thought. A hunky man popping up every now and then could be nice...

Web casinos becoming risky investment following BetonSports shutdown

How much more of a gamble has it become to own a piece of an Internet casino? Is it a sucker’s bet, or the chance to buy low and score a big payday?

Read more

Innocently advertising online casinos? You could be jailed!

A recent New York Times article reports that US prosecutors are beginning to use the federal aiding and abetting statute to investigate and potentially prosecute those who, through perfectly lawful activities, assist online gaming companies that flout US law.

This includes banks, broadcasters, ISPs and advertisers who help these casinos get their message out.

Read more

#$%^ me. No one is safe from the long arm of the Justice Department any more...
Lol... Time to take off my 'River Belle Rocks!' bumper sticker...??

Goodbye Yuppies, you're fired!

Been feeling the pressures of single parenthood again - in a bad way. Does anyone ever have enough stinking money to raise a child? And I'm not even at the stage where every piece of clothing, footwear, underwear, hairclip etc. should be branded... (By the way, if I find that @sshole who decided that the smaller the branded item, the more expensive it becomes, I'll 'swoosh' his evil neck....)

So been hitting my favorite slots with vigour, in the hopes of winning a gigantic jackpot, which will instantly transform my slightly drab existence into a glamorous soap-opera of a life with lots of celebrity friends (sorry Lindsey Lohan, you're SO not on my guestlist), glam parties and super-hot hunks all lusting after me.

No luck yet, but I'm practising my red carpet pose in the meantime. Been accumulating some good credit on King Cashalot though, which helps to lift the spirits.

I just read that the rule of the yuppie is about to come to an end. How sad. Not.

Apparently they're now called GOSSIPS, or Gadget Obsessed Status Symbol Infatuated Professionals, and can't live without sushi, Blackberrys, laptop memory sticks and small mobile phones. Shame.

Tech-savvy GOSSIPS new office yuppies

Are YOU one of 50,000 whose money is in limbo?

Really glad the casinos I play at are not based in Costa Rica... (God bless Gibraltar!)

With wagers worth $735 million taken in the first quarter of the year, I guess the players are the only ones getting a raw deal. I'm sure the fat cats can live quite comfortably off that... A little jail time for that many millions of dollars? Bring it on....

Click here

Bodog CEO a shameless publicity whore

B is sleeping over at Grandma's tonight - so it's just me, a chilled glass of chardonnay and my PC.... heaven...

I stumbled upon this article on Calvin Ayre, the CEO of Bodog, who clearly believes that there is no such thing as bad publicity. Now to be honest, I never really took to Bodog.com. Don't ask me why. This article didn't make me like him (or his casino) more.... You be the judge.

http://www.online-gambling-insider.com/online-gambling/ogi-online-gambling-ceo-roasted-on-nightline-08-09-06.html

Note to self: Just realised how sad my opening sentence sounds. Must remember to sign up at that online dating site (Smackeroos I think??) I've been threatening to join for ages now. Time to spread the love...!

Hello world...
Well, here I am. My own blog and nothing to say! Hopefully I'll awe and inspire you with my wonderfully witty writings next time (...?) That's if anyone reads it...

In the meantime I'll leave you with this profound, life-altering saying:

Some people are like Slinkies.... they're really good for nothing.
But they still bring a smile to your face when you push them down a flight of stairs.

Later!
The Lady Herself