"He's always late" and other red flags in new relationships

I wish I read The Dirty Dozen: 12 Relationship Red Flags to Watch For before I met The Turd.

Don’t get me wrong. I have a beautiful daughter who makes every miserable second of my wretched former marriage worth it, but a little part of me still wishes that it could have happened without all the heartache, tears, grief, blame and frustration.

But today is not about The Turd. Today is about avoiding a Future Turd by recognizing the signs and getting the hell out - BEFORE they become a problem.

So here they are, briefly (click here to read the real article)

1. Chronic Lateness
For clarity, "chronic" here means "three dates in a row." If your date arrives more than 10 minutes late each time, don't wait for his fourth arrival. No doubt your date will have wonderful excuses, and one or two may even be sound.

Yes, bugger him. I had to pluck, preen, wax, clip, buff, exfoliate, moisturize, paint, powder, puff, spray, lift, tuck in and find an outfit that doesn’t have mud/chocolate handprints on it – and still managed to be ready on time. Bugger that.

I’ll relax right back into my comfortable knickers and have a very enjoyable evening at home without having to suck in my stomach and worry about whether my ass is wobbling while I try to balance on flimsy heels, which are cutting off the blood circulation to my little toes and will probably result in little-toe-amputations.

2. Ketchup on Eggs
If one of those first dates is brunch, and your new friend reaches for the ketchup to put on his eggs, red flag! I realize this may seem arbitrary or fussy. Or perhaps you think I'm making a class judgment here. Well, maybe I am! What's wrong with that? All I know is nothing good ever comes of ketchup on eggs. And it's really gross.

I’m torn on this one. I like ketchup on most foodstuffs (eggs not included, funny enough). I like my eggs on toast, sunny side up, maybe with a little cheese. No salt. No Pepper. Some people might view my bland egg as a blotch in my character, or the fact that I actually prefer chocolate cake for breakfast - who knows. So no, come to think of it, I don’t have a hassle with ketchup on eggs.

3. Rudeness to Waiters
And taxi drivers, and anyone else in a service job. I shouldn't even have to explain why this is a deal breaker. Just remember that it is.

I agree 100%. I spent what feels like an infinite number of years working as a waitress, and there’s always a pompous limp-dicked cockhead who thinks you’re stupid and beneath him. And makes sure you know it. If you recognize this in your date, head for the hills. Don’t even wait for him to insult the waiter over desert or grossly undertip him after coffee. RUN and never return.

4. Scary Divorce Stories
It's amazing how much a new prospect will tell you about his life on a first or second date -- much more than he knows he's saying. The question is: Do you hear it? If he launches into the story of his messy divorce, is his ex the villain in every respect? To me, that's a red flag right there. Anyone who's emotionally grounded should be able to see that two people, not one, contribute to a divorce.

Divorced men often love to boast about how their exes wanted to screw them in the settlement, but how they got their revenge instead by selling everything beforehand and declaring themselves poor or bankrupt, hiring cut-throat lawyers to make sure the greedy bitch is left penniless and how it was HER greed/unfaithfulness/lack of everything/inability to cook like his mom/insufficient lovemaking that drove him out. Sure it was, buddy.

Listen to everything carefully and decide how you would feel if he did the same to you. File it away. Remember, he could be doing the same thing to you in a few years’ time.

5. A Deep Attachment to Disturbing Pets
A golden retriever is fine, and cats are all right if they don't do much. But I'm still haunted by the memory of an ancient, hairless dachshund that would manage to jump up on the bed during inopportune moments and bay. Not until the dog owner chose to disengage herself from me and comfort the dog instead did I know that this was trouble.

The only animal in that bed should be you. Need I say more.

6. Fling-o-Matics
During a first, incredibly romantic lunch with a new prospect some time ago, I mentioned that my most recent relationship had ended after a year. "A year," my new friend marveled. "That's so impressive! All of my relationships end after three months." Of course I resolved to be the exception.

Ofcourse the author was unceremoniously dumped 12 weeks later.
If his/her longest relationship has been 3 months, chances are you won’t make it past the 12-week-challenge. Yes, we all strive to be The One that changed him/her ways forever, but the reality is that person probably has huge commitment issues that even a lifetime supply of soppy sessions with Dr Phil won’t cure.

7. Demon Children
Children with an issue or two? Maybe. Children who hate you? Watch out. Hopelessly spoiled or angry children? Head for the door.

I have a kid, so I prefer to flip this one around. If she doesn’t like him, we could still find a way to win her over. If she hates him, I need to seriously re-evaluate the situation. Is it just because he’s not her daddy or because she can see something that I’m still blind to? Tough one…

8. Money Matters
If a man suggests splitting the tab on a first date, or that the woman should pay -- then bolt.

No, it’s not fair. I’m well aware that there are so-called ‘feminists’ out there who demand to be treated like equals, want to walk the walk, talk the talk and play with the big boys – and then get indignant when the door isn’t opened for them, or their car door opened and closed or chair pulled out.

Some women are idiots, same as some men. Deal with it and stop thinking that all women are the same.

9. The Parent Trap
Powerful emotions about one's parents -- positive or death. One 50-year-old man I know has dated every single woman in New York and found, to his bafflement, that none is good enough -- for his mother, that is. (She's still calling the shots at age 85.)

He/she will probably never be good enough in your mother’s eyes. Deal with it. She will only have power over your relationships or choice of partner if you let her. So don’t let her. Easy as that.

10. Bad Sex
I don't need to go into detail here, do I? Except to say that bad sex may get better after a first, fumbling time, but bad sex two or three times in a row is sex that only gets worse. Don't fool yourself into thinking that sex is just one part of a relationship, that laughter and shared values are as important, etc., etc. They're not. Red flag. Big red flag.

We all want mindblowing sex every now and then. Not every time, (let’s be realistic) but definitely as often as work stress, fatigue, tv, chores and other unromantic things allow. If the only thing being blown in bed is him, it’s a danger sign.

11. Dirty Underwear and Socks
Your mother was right. They have to be clean. Dirty underwear is the hallmark of a secret slob, and every secret slob has many worse habits you don't even want to think about -- but will have to all too soon.

He’s still wearing the faded red tanga with the holes in it, because he says it’s “so comfortable”. Men fear buying underwear. I don’t know why. Throw it away when he’s not looking, give it to the dog to rip apart (‘bad dog! Oh no honey, and they were your favorite ones…’) and buy him new ones. You need to make this your special project to protect your own sanity.

12. The Anger Hum
As he or she talks, not just about past romantic relationships but about work, friends and family, listen for a low hum of anger, like a third rail running along the tracks of your new prospect's life. It’s important to know how to recognize anger -- not shows of temper, which may be healthy in moderation, but the deeper, more destructive hum -- and back off when you hear it.

Don’t ever become a punching bag – even just verbally. If he can’t deal with his emotions like an adult, and needs to scream, shout and curse – he doesn’t deserve to be in a grown-up relationship.